Friday, March 30, 2012

Things are Getting Weird in Riverdale...

Anyone close to me knows that I’ve been an Archie comics fan since…well, forever. Anyone who has read this post knows that I am also a fan of the short-lived horror cartoon based on it. Having just finished an Archie’s Weird Mysteries marathon, I’ve decided to make a list of what are currently my top-ten favorite episodes from it, since it’s either this or mourn the fact that this amazing show only lasted for forty of them….

10) Something is Haunting Riverdale High
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An invention of Dilton’s starts turning everyone who comes into contact with it into ghosts.

Jughead: “You’ve got poltergeists on the brain.”
Archie: “I do not.”
Jughead: “A leaf falls off a tree. Ooooh! A poltergeist did it! A storm knocks down a power line. Oooh! Poltergeists again! An oven preheats to 350. Oh no! A poltergeist haunts the kitchen!”
Archie: “Laugh it up, pal. But when a poltergeist-pickpocket takes all your hamburger money, just don’t come crying to me.”

9) Cinemadness
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Reggie does a spell to make a character he’s crushing on from an old horror film come to life…only to have the monsters in that same film come to life, too.

Jughead: “If I go to the movies alone, people will think I’m some kind of obsessed weirdo.”
Reggie: “You are an obsessed weirdo.”
Jughead: “Yeah, but I’m an obsessed weirdo with feelings!”

8) Extra Terror-estrial
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Archie and the gang do their best to protect a cute little alien from the scary-looking ones after it…but should they?

Veronica: “No, Archie! What if there’s a martian in there with eight arms and a face like guacamole?!”
Archie: “Then we’ll buy him some taco chips.”

7) The Jughead Incident
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Agents Mulder and Scully X and Y are tracking down an alien in Riverdale, only to assume that alien is Archie’s eccentric friend, Jughead.

Jughead: “Obviously, my humor operates on a different plane from yours.”
Archie: “Jughead, your humor doesn’t even take off from the same airport as everyone else’s.”

6) Reggie or Not
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Local mischief-maker and egomaniac Reggie is abducted by aliens and replaced with a muuuuuch kinder duplicate.

Reggie: “L-look, you don’t want me! Why don’t you take someone who believes in this science-fiction junk, like Archie?”
Alien: “Do I look like fiction to you?!”

5) Zombies of Love
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Veronica uses magical salt to make Archie more devoted to her…only to have him and the rest of Riverdale turn into obsessive, love-crazed zombies.

Veronica: “Archie, are you crazy?!”
Archie: “Crazy for you, my dear!”

2-4) Scarlet Night/I Was a Teenaged Vampire/Halloween of Horror
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Vampires invade Riverdale, and rich girl Veronica is believed to be the one chosen to fight them and prevent the coming of the Eternal Night.

Archie: “I thought you weren’t afraid of vampires?”
Veronica: “That was before they were real!”

1) Mega-Mall of Horrors
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A mysterious new mall appears in Riverdale, corrupting shoppers with greed until they’re trapped there as mannequins.

Veronica: “It’s Friday! What are we going to do to celebrate?”
Jughead: “Let’s see…they’re running the Riverdale 500 car race, the Miss Teen Universe pageant is being held at city hall, and a world-famous rock band is filming a video and needs some kids for extras.”
Archie/Betty/Veronica: “Let’s go to the mall!”
Jughead: *sighs*

I don’t care what anyone else may say—this is quality TV….

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